i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
