Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
