walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
