I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
