ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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