If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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