I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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