Three words: puerto rican gang bang
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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