I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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