Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
