pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
