I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
