her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
