Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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