Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
