Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
