You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We're too hungover to prance.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
