woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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