Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
