....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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