I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
