I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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