I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
