I could have mohawked her pubes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
