They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
