guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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