Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
