the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
