Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Randomize
