hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
