Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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