I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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