I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
