I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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