i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
