So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
