she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
