she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
