Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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