he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
