oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
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