There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
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