Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
