her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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