I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
