based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
