Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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