I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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