There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
