this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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