i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
