What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
