Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The uberlube is also flammable
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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