There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
