Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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