I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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