I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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