Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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