I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
