I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
