i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm too high and old for this...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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